Coping with a Loss

Your pet is gone. Now what?

Coping with the loss of a pet can be difficult, but there are things that you can do to make it easier on yourself. First and foremost you must realize and understand that you are not alone in your grief. Second, remember the old saying "time heals all wounds". Right now it may seem like the seconds are hours and hours are years, but in very little time you're going to be able to look back on your pet's memories with fondness instead of the crushing pain that you're feeling now.

First Things First

The first thing that you need to do is to gather all visible reminders of your pet and remove them from the house. Don't discard them, but box them up and put them in the garage or the attic. This includes food/water dishes, bedding, leashes, toys, photographs, etc. The reason for this is that it will be easier to cope with the loss of your pet if you don't have a constant visual reminder that they're not there.

Physical Symptoms

Grief isn't all mental....it can take a toll on your physical being as well as your emotional one. Physical symptoms include: fatigue, insomnia, excessive sleeping, change in eating habits, excessive worrying, depression, and mood swings. Don't hesitate to take a few days off from work to process your loss and begin healing. It's important during this time to get plenty of rest, eat properly, and take a daily vitamin. Stress lowers your immune system and you will need the extra care to stay healthy and not get sick.

Try not to Obsess.

This one sounds kind of silly until you've actually suffered the loss of a pet. After your pet is gone you may find yourself morbidly drawn to their toys, their bedding, their photographs.....anything that has a physical, tangible connection to them. This is another good reason to pack your deceased pet's belongings and photographs in a box to go through at a later time.

Coping Exercises

There are several things that you can do to help yourself get through this difficult time.

• Don't take comfort in things you can become addicted to such as alcohol, illegal drugs, or prescription medications.

• Change your routines, especially ones that involved your pet. If you and your pet went on a walk everyday and followed a certain route, then pick a new route when you go for your walk.

• Exercise - Proper exercise releases chemicals in your brain that are natural stress-fighters.

• Develop a healthy diet.

• Keep a journal - A journal can provide a secure place to vent your pain and frustrations of the day. It can also provide a tangible reminder when you look back on it later that things do get better and often are not as bad as they seem at the time.

• Write a letter addressed to yourself from God, a guardian angel, your deceased pet, or even from yourself. Write only positive things, and list why you were such a great pet owner and why your pet loved you. Once you get through writing the letter, read it aloud. Keep the letter and re-read it whenever you're feeling especially sad.

• Go out with friends. If you don't have a large social circle, find a few people you work with and go out for coffee after work.

Dealing with the Nay-Sayers.

Nay-sayers are the biggest source of anger and frustration that someone grieving the loss of a pet can experience. We've all heard them before - "it was just a cat, get over it!" or "you're this upset over a dog?!" or "it was only an animal. just go get another one." Hearing these comments are infuriating and callous under normal circumstances, but can be absolutely devastating to someone grieving the loss of a pet. Many times the grieving pet owner doesn't know how to react to these comments. Most often they don't say anything, but let the comment eat at them from the inside, thereby adding to the pain already suffered by the loss. Here are tips from our Pet Loss Specialist about how to deal with the Nay-Sayers.

          *      First of all, realize that anyone can be a nay-sayer - even family members who loved your pet.

          *     Second of all, try to realize that these comments are seldom made to intentionally hurt your feelings. Quite often people don't know what to say to someone who is grieving so they make comments that they think will make the pet owner feel better, like pointing out that it was "just" an animal and they shouldn't feel so badly. What they don't realize is that these remarks have the opposite of the intended affect.

          *     It's perfectly appropriate to respond to a nay-sayer's comments, but try to be respectful so as not to start an argument or fight. Some examples of appropriate responses would be:  

                      - "If you have any love or respect for me, then you'll respect my feelings now and sympathize with me   instead of rushing me through this."   

                      - " I appreciate that my pet may have just been an animal to you, but they meant a lot to me and I would appreciate it if you would be a little more understanding." 

When to Seek Professional Help

Consult your physician immediately if you find you are severely depressed or have thoughts of suicide. Your physician can prescribe medication that will help you cope until you are able to cope on your own.

Actual E-mail

This is an actual email that was sent by our Pet Loss Specialist to someone who had suffered the loss of his beloved dog just a few short years after the loss of his wife.  All names  have been omitted to protect the privacy of the individual this was sent to.

First of all, let me offer my sincerest condolences both on the passing of your wife as well as <pet>. Losing a four-legged family member is never easy, but it's made even more difficult when the pet was a constant companion and involved in everything you do.

You were right in saying that time will help. Indeed, time heals all wounds. However, there are things that you can do here and now to help yourself through this difficult time.

First and foremost, make sure that you allowed yourself time to grieve after <pet>'s passing. The mind and heart require time to heal, and if you don't give them the time they need initially then they will make you give the time
later. If you didn't allow yourself to grieve for <pet> after her passing, take the time now. This may be easier said than done, but grief can affect you physically as well as mentally and taking a few sick days is more than deserved when coping with such an intense loss.

Second of all, I strongly recommend creating a memorial to <pet>. A lot of people will plant a tree or flower in memory of their deceased pet. If you don't want to use a plant as a memorial, then perhaps you can find something creative that you can create a memorial with. If you're not the creative type, then perhaps you can donate to your favorite charity in <pet>'s name. A lot of people do this and find it very satisfying both in that they're memorializing their pet and helping their favorite charity at the same time.

Another thing you can do, which I HIGHLY recommend, is to change your routines that involved <pet>. It's difficult to cope with your grief when you're still maintaining the same routines that <pet> was involved in. It just makes her not being there all the more poignant.

There are other tips which are mostly common sense, but I'm all too aware that when in the midst of grief common sense often escapes us so I'll mention them here. When trying to cope with a loss, it's critical that you avoid alcohol (it acts as a natural depressant), illegal drugs, sad music, sad or nostalgic movies, and situations that might make you hyper-sensitive. All of these things will exaggerate how you're already feeling and if you're feeling bad then these things will only make you feel worse.

It's also common for one loss to trigger the feelings of another loss. <pet>'s passing may have uncovered grief that you didn't deal with when you lost your wife. If you feel that this is the case, then I strongly urge you to seek professional counseling as this is a difficult situation to work through.

Last but not least, it's very common for people to experience a relapse when coping with an intense loss. I've experienced through my work with our local support groups that many pet owners will start to recover and then one day suddenly feel as though the loss had just happened the day before. This normally occurs at around 6-8 months after the loss. The good news is that this relapse lasts much shorter than the trauma of the initial loss, usually only 1-2 weeks. After this brief relapse pet owners usually experience a dramatic recovery and are much better than they were even before the relapse. I sincerely hope that this is the case for you.

I hope this has helped. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you need further assistance.

Sincerely,

<specialist>
Pet Loss Support Specialist
Animals at Heart Organization