|
For comments or questions about our website, please email webmaster@animalsatheart.org |
|
Stages of Grief Knowing your enemy is half the battle and, when it comes to battling grief, knowledge is power. The emotions that accompany the loss of a pet are very intense and can take a pet owner by surprise. The best thing that you can do to help yourself through this difficult time is to arm yourself with information. To assist you, we've listed below some information that you might find useful. For more information and for support, please don't hesitate to join our online chats. The pet loss discussion forum is also available 24/7 and contains very supportive information. Of course, if you need immediate assistance or have a question for the Bereaved Pet Owner FAQ, please email petloss@animalsatheart.org and a pet loss specialist will respond as soon as possible.
Stages of Grief
The Relapse
It's difficult to compress the feelings of grief into stages, and loss professionals seldom agree on what those stages are. Some say there are only five stages, while others yet claim seven. We prefer to say that there aren't stages so much as there are patterns in what grieving pet owners may experience. The reason we believe differently is that we feel a person grief is going to depend on the circumstances surrounding their loss. For example, an elderly pet who has passed on after an extended illness is going to be grieved over differently than a young pet that has died suddenly and violently. While the pet owners in both instances will grieve and feel pain, the emotions they experience are going to be different. Emotions will also vary depending on the relationship the pet owner had with the pet that passed. For these reasons, we prefer to educate pet owners on the emotions that they may experience, rather than lock them into an anticipated "schedule" of grieving. Disbelief/Denial - This is usually the first emotion that a pet owner experiences after a loss. The pet owner can't believe that their pet is gone, and when they do believe it they don't want to accept it. Confusion - It's very natural for a bereaved pet owner to seem addled and unable to gather their thoughts. This is normal and will eventually go away. Yearning/Bargaining - It's very normal for a pet owner yearn to have their pet back. This intense yearning can lead to bargaining ("I promise I'll be a better person if you'll just let me have my pet back."). Bargaining is normal, but it's important to realize that there is nothing you can do to bring your pet back. Anger - Anger is a very normal feeling when grieving for a pet. The anger can be directed at anyone or anything such as work, the veterinarian, your spouse or other family, or even friends. There may be a brief time when the anger may even be directed towards the deceased pet for leaving the pet owner behind. Anger can sometimes be directed at surviving pets ("Why did you survive when Fido didn't?!"). Most often, though, the anger is directed inward towards the pet owner themselves. Guilt - Guilt is probably the one emotion that is universal among loving pet owners who have experienced a loss, especially a euthanization. Most pet owners will feel guilt and indecision regarding the timing of the euthanization ("Did I wait too long and make my pet suffer unnecessarily?" or "Did I not give her enough of a chance to fight the illness?"). While guilt is perfectly normal, it is not constructive in the grieving process and can actually be a setback if you let it eat you up inside. Sadness/Despair - Anyone who loves their pet will be sad that he/she is gone. It's important for the pet owner to not be ashamed of their sadness just because the loss was a pet and not a human. The loss of a pet can be more profound than even the loss of human relative, depending on the relationship between the pet and pet owner. What happens after the stages of grief? Grief work is the part of dealing with a loss that most everyone dreads. Grief work is what comes after a pet owner has passed through the stages of grief. This is the time when family stops calling to check on you, friends stop asking how you're feeling, and it seems like everyone but you is already moved on with their lives. This is the time when you will have to work, day by day, at living your life without your pet. While some believe that the stages of grief end with acceptance and closure, we believe that the "stages" of grief only lead to the four stages of healing. Referred to by many as the TEAR stages, these are the stages that one passes through gradually as they rebuild their lives without their pet. Oddly enough, the healing stages begin with the last "stage" of grieving - acceptance. The TEAR stages of healing are: To accept the reality of the loss. Experience the pain of the loss. Adjust to our environment without our pet. Re-invest in the new reality of life without our pet. Sometimes the physical symptoms that accompany grieving can only compound the emotional pain we're already feeling. Normal physical symptoms of grieving include:
In her work with the Animals at Heart Pet Loss Programs, our pet loss specialist began to notice a trend among pet owners and developed a study to test her theory. She later determined that many pet owners suffer a relapse in their grief work about 6 months to a year after their loss. Normally, the pet owner will suddenly feel all of the pain of the loss renewed, as if the loss had just occurred. This lasts for between a couple of days to a couple of weeks, after which the pet owner usually feels more capable of handling the loss than they were before the relapse. One step back, but two steps forward. "I've been really sad since my dog died and my friend told me to get over it - that it was just a dog. Is she right and should my feelings be hurt that she said that?" No, she is not right and yes you have every right to be angry and upset with your friend! Your pet was obviously not just a dog - he/she was a best friend and companion and a loss like that is not something that you can 'just get over'. Most of the time, a response like this comes from someone who either does not have pets and therefore is unaware of the unique bond that pet owners can have with their pets, or they are uncomfortable with the topic of death and didn't know what else to say. Regardless, the appropriate response from you would be something like, "You know, I'm really going through a difficult time right now and I would greatly appreciate it if you would try to be more respectful of my feelings." A remark like this has a couple of different purposes. First of all, it's a composed response that you can feel good about later when you think back on the situation and realize that you didn't lose your temper and explode. Second of all, it will point out to your friend, who may have otherwise been unaware, that she hurt your feelings. "My cat was sick for a long time before she died, and her passing was expected. Should the pain of her loss still be this intense and difficult?" A loss is a loss, and anything that is loved will be missed most painfully. No matter how anticipated a loss is, not having your pet there with you every day is going to hurt and be difficult to live with. When dealing with a loss that was associated with an illness, try to take comfort in the knowledge that your cat is no longer suffering and is now at peace.
"I can't eat, can't sleep, can barely function at work, and my heart is so broken it hurts me to breathe! This pain is too intense to be normal. Right?" Wrong. The pain of losing a pet can be devastating and will literally change your life forever. It's important to remember, though, that this pain will subside and there will come a day when you'll be able to remember your pet and smile instead of cry. Be patient with yourself and don't try to set a timeline for your grieving. Cry when you need to, and don't be afraid to seek the help of a pet loss support group or online chat.
"My pet has been gone for a little while now and I still miss her, but it doesn't hurt like it used to. I even caught myself laughing at a joke yesterday and suddenly felt guilty. Is that normal?" Yes, that's very normal. When we lose someone dear to us, even a pet, the initial pain is so intense that it seems like we should be grieving forever. Then, when we've passed through the stages of grief and we're starting to adjust to our life without our pet, we realize that the pain isn't so intense and that happiness and hope are once again present. All of a sudden you may feel pangs of guilt or betrayal, as if you're betraying your dearly departed companion by being happy again. This is normal, but unfounded. Your pet loved you dearly and would want you to be happy. Some pet owners may also feel like their pain is the only thing of their deceased pet that they have left, and that letting go of the pain will mean letting go of the pet. This is not true. The pain is not always going to be there and letting go of it does not mean that you're letting go of your pet. As long as you remember your pet and hold her memory close to your heart, she will always be with you. |
|
|
